My neighbour Lasika (all names changed) – who has been learning the Veena for like 20 years, and has 4 Veenas in her house, had this response to someone who said “oh wow, that’s cool” – “Ah, I’m just learning, I’m not that good”….
My great friend Dipali, who’s been in CXO roles at large MNCs for the last – again 20 years – says when asked to mentor some startups – “I don’t know how much value I’ll add ya…I think I’m too old and my knowledge jaded”…
Another friend Shawna, who has founded and successfully exited startups, and who now runs an NGO, when complimented on the overflowing table she sets for guests, says – “ohhh but Ms. Joshi always feeds people so much better”…
And another friend Parvati who makes the BEST banana bread and superlative sticky toffee pudding, but who always says, “noooo Sangita, I’m not so good”
My very smart very talented daughter, whom everybody loves, is ALWAYS saying sorry – her teacher once told me – “I’ve never seen anyone overapologizing the way she does….”
And I, when told the other night, you sing so well; ofcourse said “oh but my throat is horrible and I sound like a phanta baans” (it was, and I did, but….)
Obviously, Imposter Syndrome is real – and all pervasive! In a ladies-only alumna group that I’m a member of, imposter syndrome and patriarchy are maybe the two words debated most often. This, in a group of highly educated and accomplished ladies. Think about it – If that demographic feels it, then how many women don’t even know the concept – and just live their entire lives feeling inferior or not good enough and assume a more than equal load at all work because they feel that’s all they deserve.
Yes, part of the reason we feel this way is a desire for excellence and self improvement; part of it a real honest look at self first before raising fingers at others (this used to be my favourite lesson to my girls – remember when you make a fist, 4 fingers are always pointing at you and only one outwards); but most of it is historical/ societal – and therefore a lot of it is conditioning over years and years and years – to not give ourselves enough credit, and to take more than due amounts of blame.
I don’t need to point out the fact that the average man behaves in exactly the opposite way – caught with a perceived improvement area, will generally bluster and attempt to put the blame on someone else; or, will generally portray higher knowledge than he actually has; or will generally be willing to take credit even when not entirely his due….think long and hard, and tell me if you know ONE man with imposter syndrome….
My only issue with this is, the signal we continuously send with this self deprecation piece is WEAKNESS – NOT humility, NOT shared/ equal responsibility/ NOT self improvement, just WEAKNESS….and that is just plain wrong.
And so, in a run up to Women’s day, I’m going to ask all womanhood for a very small thing –
Nope, it’s NOT educating the girl child (which one must do anyway); NOT running or attending a workshop on earning your rightful place on the corporate ladder (which if you have access or the desire for, also please go ahead and enroll into); NOT practicing women supporting other women (I mean, duh, please do that anyway – have you watched this clip of Anne Hathaway’s on this? Cute it is); NOT being respectful of all work – big or small (watch the Urban Company ad that I really liked)….
So, girls, gird up your loins (if I were Krishna, I wd say – utho Parth, Gandiv sambhalo) (can I please say that I LOVE the phrase gird up your loins – its SO badass!)
All I’m asking each of you to do is tell yourself EVERY moment (like an affirmation) – “I’m good; and I’m better than (the guy sitting or standing next to you)”…Just that – every single moment. “I’m good; I’m better than (that guy)”. You DON’T have to proclaim this to the rest of the world (unlike the average man), but you DO have to believe this yourself.
Remember Geet from the movie Jab We Met? And her “mai apni favourite hoon” line (at about 4.18 in this clip) – THAT’S what we all need to channel – we all need to be our favourites
As for me, the next time the random swim instructor at the pool tells me – you “swims” (he really said swims) SO well, I need to say – “thanks tons, I do, don’t I, but how can I swim better”…instead of saying – “ohhh you know, I learnt on my own after I was 30 and I have no technique and that’s why I can’t swim fast.. but I just like it…..”
HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY ALL
P.S.: Remember the old Professor Higgins song Why can’t a woman be more like a man? This is what I may recast it as:
Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so braggy, have doubts so rare;
Eternally confident, for brashness have a flair.
Who, when you win, will never give your back a pat.
Why can’t a woman be like that?
P.P.S: Take a look at this very women heavy organisation and their cute newsletter for Women’s Day
P.P.P.S: Who are your favourite “girl bosses”? The ones who are their own favourites? (I’m currently enjoying Zeenat Aman)
joshsang 