Mindfulness – yes or no?

Hirana …samajh boojh ban charana …

Have you heard this song by classical maestro Pandit Kumar Gandharva? I heard it….no, LISTENED to it properly for the first time today – mindfully, thinking of the lyrics – and the mind was blown. It’s a song I’ve heard many many times before – and I really love it. But, the lyrics are something else altogether.

See, this is my perennial problem with music – I don’t listen to the lyrics, it’s only the melody and the composition that stays with me. And even in the music, I’m not good with percussion – so, really, only the melody….

Most proponents of music are aghast – because the poetry, the bhaav, the “feel” is all obviously in the lyrics. I feel a bit of an interloper in the music world sometimes because of this – I feel I’m really not doing full justice to what the composer-lyricist duo want to say. As an example, in a morning music group that I’m a part of, where everyone is singing/ thinking of/ analysing and applying the words (the group sings songs on spirituality and duality and oneness and nirgunta etc), and everyone is getting moved by the spirit of the songs – I am blithefully oblivious to that – I just trip on the music ( thus for sure depriving myself of the entire experience).

I first heard ….no, LISTENED to the word mindfulness some 12 years ago when my very fit friend said one must eat mindfully – those were the days I was inhaling chola bhatura and mutton biryani as often as I could! Was fairly gobsmacked at the concept and ofcourse immediately rejected it as irrelevant to me (resulting in a 10 kg weight gain in subsequent years – over an already bloated figure!).

But, I find myself reevaluating this concept often now. As an example, the listening to music for me (something that is as essential as breathing almost) is not mindful – hence I suspect the non-attention to the lyrics, and also the inhibited ability to remember songs fully (I actually have a fairly imitative musical ability honed by early training years) but don’t necessarily remember how a song goes beyond some vague tune – simply because I don’t interact with music mindfully.

Actually on the concept of breathing and mindfulness, that is what say pranayama is helping you do – breathe mindfully. Also, shavasana is MINDFULLY telling yourself to relax and become mindless – ooh soo cool! OK, note to self – anulom vilom everyday, Josh!

I try and swim often (that’s the only form of exercise I permit myself to do) – and, ofcourse, in the spirit of gamification (read my past blog) – need to count the laps, and then better them everyday – just creating kutti mental incentives – but then if I’m not swimming mindfully I forget the counting – and probably mess it up.  In the big picture, no sweat but still annoying. Having said that, should swimming be mindful? Maybe that’s what one should aim for – mindless swimming, thus enabling the mind be free to wander around – btw, my swimming time is when my blog ideas come to me – maybe that’s good? So, then, question – is mindfulness good all the time? On the other hand, does it then interfere with multitasking? (read another previous blog)

The time when it DEFINITELY should be applied is while driving – I HATE drivers who hog the middle of the lane – most often trucks or scooters, thereby not allowing small cars like mine to pass by on either side – if only you would, mindfully, enable win-win, wouldn’t it be easier for all. But then, is this behaviour actually willful do you think? In our overpopulated and fiercely competitive country, maybe the only way to stay on top is to make sure the other person is worse than you? Not for you to be better than the other one? What do you think?

Mindful, though, is how I describe my young nephew (much to my kids’ resentment). Scenario – a big family function – think big fat Indian wedding, only substitute a boy’s thread ceremony for wedding. Some 40 house guests for a 4 day function – all organized in a normal Mumbai flat. Obviously there was lots of work, which in true Indian middle class fashion, was being done by all. But, one name stood out in terms of overall omniscience, reliability and just dogged hard work. And that was my nephew Rohan – like I told my cousin his dad later, all our kids are respectful and helpful teenagers – but Rohan is mindful – so, he is actually prescient – he sees that one grand aunt with varicose veins needs a footstool to extend leg, and gets it; realizes when dinner is over that the next step is going to be mattresses rolled out for bedtime and starts on that job; keeps an eye on the panditji performing the rites so he knows when milk is needed, when a matchbox is empty and when the prasad is being called for. All this, because he is mindful.

No shade, but obviously the biggest deterrent to mindfulness is the mobile phone – that’s where the other teenagers were busy, and hence not able to contribute unless specifically asked to do so. This actually is not just restricted to teens, my friend broke a bone in her toe because she was on her screen while walking and tripped on a stone (not mindful walking)…

Talking of teens, just finished reading a teen fantasy fiction series – the Lost Cities by Shannon Messenger – in that, kids trigger abilities – by mindfully concentrating on what they need to do….(you should read teen fantasy fic, guys, so addictive)

So, what do you think? What are your examples of being mindful within the corporate scenario and what is the impact? #foodforthought?

Coming to Hirana – there is an inherent note to mindfulness within the lyrics themselves – the caution to the deer of being mindful while grazing – just to avoid the evil hunters. Enjoy…..

Embracing my inner “Geet” – a Women’s Day thought.

My neighbour Lasika (all names changed) – who has been learning the Veena for like 20 years, and has 4 Veenas in her house, had this response to someone who said “oh wow, that’s cool” – “Ah, I’m just learning, I’m not that good”….

My great friend Dipali, who’s been in CXO roles at large MNCs for the last – again 20 years – says when asked to mentor some startups – “I don’t know how much value I’ll add ya…I think I’m too old and my knowledge jaded”…

Another friend Shawna, who has founded and successfully exited startups, and who now runs an NGO, when complimented on the overflowing table she sets for guests, says – “ohhh but Ms. Joshi always feeds people so much better”…

And another friend Parvati who makes the BEST banana bread and superlative sticky toffee pudding, but who always says, “noooo Sangita, I’m not so good”

My very smart very talented daughter, whom everybody loves, is ALWAYS saying sorry – her teacher once told me – “I’ve never seen anyone overapologizing the way she does….”

And I, when told the other night, you sing so well; ofcourse said “oh but my throat is horrible and I sound like a phanta baans” (it was, and I did, but….)

Obviously, Imposter Syndrome is real – and all pervasive! In a ladies-only alumna group that I’m a member of, imposter syndrome and patriarchy are maybe the two words debated most often. This, in a group of highly educated and accomplished ladies. Think about it – If that demographic feels it, then how many women don’t even know the concept – and just live their entire lives feeling inferior or not good enough and assume a more than equal load at all work because they feel that’s all they deserve. 

Yes, part of the reason we feel this way is a desire for excellence and self improvement; part of it a real honest look at self first before raising fingers at others (this used to be my favourite lesson to my girls – remember when you make a fist, 4 fingers are always pointing at you and only one outwards); but most of it is historical/ societal – and therefore a lot of it is conditioning over years and years and years – to not give ourselves enough credit, and to take more than due amounts of blame. 

I don’t need to point out the fact that the average man behaves in exactly the opposite way – caught with a perceived improvement area, will generally bluster and attempt to put the blame on someone else; or, will generally portray higher knowledge than he actually has; or will generally be willing to take credit even when not entirely his due….think long and hard, and tell me if you know ONE man with imposter syndrome….

My only issue with this is, the signal we continuously send with this self deprecation piece is WEAKNESS – NOT humility, NOT shared/ equal responsibility/ NOT self improvement, just WEAKNESS….and that is just plain wrong.

And so, in a run up to Women’s day, I’m going to ask all womanhood for a very small thing –

Nope, it’s NOT educating the girl child (which one must do anyway);  NOT running or attending a workshop on earning your rightful place on the corporate ladder (which if you have access or the desire for, also please go ahead and enroll into); NOT practicing women supporting other women (I mean, duh, please do that anyway – have you watched this clip of Anne Hathaway’s on this? Cute it is); NOT being respectful of all work – big or small (watch the Urban Company ad that I really liked)….

So, girls, gird up your loins (if I were Krishna, I wd say – utho Parth, Gandiv sambhalo) (can I please say that I LOVE the phrase gird up your loins – its SO badass!)

All I’m asking each of you to do is tell yourself EVERY moment (like an affirmation) – “I’m good; and I’m better than (the guy sitting or standing next to you)”…Just that – every single moment. “I’m good; I’m better than (that guy)”. You DON’T have to proclaim this to the rest of the world (unlike the average man), but you DO have to believe this yourself.

Remember Geet from the movie Jab We Met? And her “mai apni favourite hoon” line (at about 4.18 in this clip) – THAT’S what we all need to channel – we all need to be our favourites 

As for me, the next time the random swim instructor at the pool tells me – you “swims” (he really said swims) SO well, I need to say – “thanks tons, I do, don’t I, but how can I swim better”…instead of saying – “ohhh you know, I learnt on my own after I was 30 and I have no technique and that’s why I can’t swim fast.. but I just like it…..”

HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY ALL

P.S.: Remember the old Professor Higgins song Why can’t a woman be more like a man? This is what I may recast it as:

Why can’t a woman be more like a man?
Men are so braggy, have doubts so rare;
Eternally confident, for brashness have a flair.
Who, when you win, will never give your back a pat.
Why can’t a woman be like that?

P.P.S: Take a look at this very women heavy organisation and their cute newsletter for Women’s Day

P.P.P.S: Who are your favourite “girl bosses”? The ones who are their own favourites? (I’m currently enjoying Zeenat Aman)

On 18 hour work days and Quiet Quitting

I get Shantanu Deshpande. I really do – maybe its generational, maybe its just a type; but I have more than a sneaking fellow feeling for him. So does the husband. And so do/ did Roger Federer, Steve Jobs, Indira Gandhi and Amitabh Bachchan.

I mean, I now lead a life which I worry is a very bad example to my kids in how checked out it is – I walk 15k steps a day while taking dog for ambulatory walks; read (and re read) old comfortable books (like Blytons and Potters and Heyers) while generating HUGE tsundoku; attend music groups; avidly follow cooking trends (on that topic – butter boards: yes or no?); clock 8 hours plus on average on several devices; and drink copious amounts of beer on weekends. Thankfully, the husband’s lifestyle is the exact opposite – his day begins at like 5 am-ish, and ends at 1 am-ish – with maybe an hour and a half for other stuff like eating; walking dog. The rest – he is working. (Except for the drinking on weekends). I’m hoping the kids learn from the dad even if they aspire to the mom.

But, this lifestyle of mine came AFTER years of backbreaking slogging – of, in fact, much more than 18 hour workdays – and that, irrespective of whether I worked in a privately held Indian business, a Multinational Corporation, or of course my own venture. I think I’ve recorded this somewhere earlier: when we were running our start-up; given it was in the early days of digital media – so, a very new domain, and completely new roles at entrepreneurship for us partners, also new geographies that were not co- located, we needed to have really long hours, and often, undefined work scope. It was NOT easy – but, as I told some teams who were complaining about the long work hours – ‘nothing you can say about unreasonable hours will astonish me, as I’ve done all this and more’….

So I now feel reasonably guiltless about my life of leisure – I think it is well earned – I’ve paid my dues and am now reaping the reward – the reward is compounded by the fact that I don’t really have a hugely expensive lifestyle and am very happy to just smell the roses as it were.

I think our generation (and definitely those before us) had this very strict effort and reward code – you work hard, you get your reward (in money/ in time/ in success whatever). It was generally acknowledged and proven that you didn’t get good marks unless you slogged, and that meant you didn’t get admissions into good colleges, and that meant you didn’t get good jobs, and that meant you didn’t make good money and that meant you didn’t have a good lifestyle. It was fairly direct correlation, and fairly organic growth.

Also, it was a waterfall sequence related to life cycle stages – work at one phase/ family at the next/ retirement and attendant benefits at the next. And, at the overlapping stages, it entailed constant juggling.

But, I think times have changed drastically (at least in urban middle class cohorts). Maybe it’s the culture of instant gratification, (no waiting in line at STD booth for calls/ hungry at 2 am? just order swiggy/ spent too much this semester? a click and mom wires money…). Maybe it’s the wave of cool start ups – with so many unicorns around that enable exponential payoffs and reward, the newer generations want a non correlated effort-reward equation. As I see it, the newer younger workforce is not willing to submit one’s life at the altar of their jobs.

Hence the uproar on Shantanu Deshpande’s edict (and his subsequent resignation). Hence quiet quitting. Hence the workation trend. Hence the shortening median tenure at a single job (down from 36 odd months to 18 now).

The good part about this – the fact that this generation wants ownership of their time. They feel they are multi dimensional, they want to explore different parts of themselves, and they do not necessarily feel that money is equal to success.

They probably also feel that hard is not equal to smart – which is valid – one doesn’t necessarily want everyone slogging at stuff that could be done quicker/ better – technology now works tirelessly at enabling that very thing. 

The problem with this however is when this desire translates to a work ethic that makes the job just the job, when the commitment/ the drive for excellence/ the passion is not only lacking, it is considered not a good thing. Because, lets face it – there ARE times when you need the 18 hour work day – it’s not ideal, but it’s unavoidable. Because, unicorns and stock options notwithstanding, earning money is not easy – it takes long, unremitting hours very often. And, one has to strike a balance between ensuring good physical and mental health, and giving one’s all to what you are doing.

So, one has to wonder – it’s great that the current generation is making things easier for itself and that hedonism is a quasi virtue, and definitely that folks are prioritising health over everything. But, in the process, are we creating a less hardy/ more entitled generation? When chips are down, will this generation be able to cope? Or am I just too old and cynical? Food for Thought.